I Hate Cooking

Ratatouille is one of my favorite animation movies.. What makes me wonder about that movie is how the hell can that mouse cook so perfectly, with not so much as one thing going wrong… And, to think of it, whenever I step into the kitchen everything seems to go wrong..

The kitchen hates me. Yes, it does. Every time I have stepped into the kitchen alone, with the hope that I will cook a dish all by myself, I have been a victim of its evil ways. It gangs up with food ingredients, utensils and the gas stove against me, and makes sure I screw up something or the other. It never does that with mommy. When mom is around, everything goes just perfect. And, then mom ends up giving me a big lecture, “You can cook. You are just lazy, and make excuses all the time. You can’t live on Maggi and chips all your life, you know.”

Even though, I have made some complete disasters in the kitchen, time and again, I do step in the enemy territory, armed with a knife and ladle, dreaming about the day when I will finally be able to cook the main course and not just side-salads and deserts, and defeat the kitchen… Lets just say, I share a love-hate relationship with cooking…

Last week, I tried making the aloo-methi patti :

Don’t let the picture fool you…
It doesn’t taste as good as it looks…

The recipe seemed super-simple. I hemmed and hawed and took extra care to chop the vegetables finely, and measured all the ingredients properly. I chopped and sauteed everything, the way it was supposed to be chopped and sauteed… Let me take a moment here to say how much I respect people who love cooking (Dee dee)… You guys are the best!

The first patti I put into the frying pan disintegrated spontaneously like a radioactive atom… I had the sudden urge to kick and swear.. I left it at that and went and sat in the hall to cool it off… After I came back, I put more bread crumbs, and pulled it together. The next ones started to look like the ones in the picture. I smiled, thinking, maybe this one time, the kitchen is just testing me, not really going to play havoc with my dish.. After I finished making them, I whewed a sigh of relief.

Hang on… The story isn’t over, yet. Sitting on the dining table, and looking at them proudly, I testily took the first morsel… Ughh.. They tasted awful. It had too much amchur and ginger, and rendered my stomach non-receptive to any food whatsoever for the rest of the day… Ridonkulous! (I can’t believe I just used that word.. This is what happens when you spend half hour to prepare a dish, and an hour to clean up the mess you made in the kitchen…)

It was a simple recipe and yet, I messed it up.. This is it…! No more new recipes. No more cooking. Not even those which seem simple. I can survive on salads, maggi, chips, chat, crispy potato wedges and ice cream. (You see, these are the only things I can prepare, without making the kitchen look like a battlefield) Screw cooking. I hate it. I will cook only at gunpoint. Maybe not even at gunpoint.

Uh… I just read the recipe of Gobi Manchurian… Seems pretty simple. I think I will try that. What can possibly go wrong? Gotta go. Now, where did I keep my toque?

P. S. I recently subscribed to this blog.. http://www.ecurry.com/blog/.. I absolutely adore it.. It gives me inspiration to do something I absolutely hate.. That speaks for itself, right?


9 thoughts on “I Hate Cooking

  1. haha! I am the boss of culinary disasters. Once I tried to bake a cake for my friend’s birthday surprise. I even used Betty Crocker cake mix so that there is no way anything could go wrong But it did. I kept it in the microwave for too long and the cake turned out to have floor- damaging potentials. I meant it. If I had dropped it, we would have had to have the kitchen tiles replaced. I used it to knock my brother out.
    Anyway, I enjoyed your post and it inspired me to write about my recent cooking experience. Good luck with the gobi munchurian!

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